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| Simmering Stew of Fulfillment |
The article turned out to be a fitting counterbalance to the
kick-off of what people have indicated is a very anxiety-producing process. At
first read, it’s a reminder to consider the scope of a whole life, to keep in
perspective this college thing, rife as it is with symbolism. Or actual
reality, really, of the young ‘un stepping out into her independent life.
College is important, sure, but it’s not necessary to turn getting in into a
completely fraught situation. This is a long-winded way of saying that I don’t
want my child to drive herself into the ground in pursuit of acceptance to some
top school. So remembering what life goals are worth striving for can put the
process into perspective. For me, I mean. To prevent adding to the pressure
she puts on herself.
Fulfillment. That’s an interesting goal for old age. I must
have mentioned before that I used to wish for wisdom when I am old. Now that I
know a bit more, I’m thinking, “Uh-oh, careful what you wish for, Hope.”
Wisdom. Yeesh. That can be scary. Like considering the futility or absurdity of
existence. Do I really want to grok life that way? Perhaps not. Fulfillment
seems a better goal. Growing old and feeling fulfilled is definitely on my wish
list. Even if EFG says, “it’s a dubious gift, because you receive it only
when you’re nearing the end.” Well, it’s a gift I’ll take, if I can. According
to EFG, fulfillment is milder than happiness, because it contains
detachment and perspective, which I agree are not usually linked to moments of
happiness.
So. Fulfillment. I could go for that. Who couldn’t? Well, I’ll tell you who couldn’t: a
failure. That’s right, EFG says so right in her essay.
“A failed life can’t be a fulfilled one.”
Uh-oh.
“It has to have been a success.”
Yikes.
“It has to have been a success, though not necessarily the documentable
kind. It can be a parental or marital or civic success, or an entirely private
one….”
Ok. That’s better. Because, so far, mine has been mostly undocumented.
“But success is only a necessary condition.”
Oh. Go on.
“A life of brilliant accomplishment that ends at 40 can’t
have been fulfilled.”
I suppose not. Though we could argue about that, at least
when thinking about war heroes or something. People devoted to a cause, or
thrust into situations requiring heroism, who die in pursuit of their ideals.
“Years are a requirement. One must have lived most of a
standard lifetime, and be inclined to assess it.”
Sounds plausible. I fully intend to. Since I’ve been
assessing my life all along, why would I stop?
Upon closer examination, apparently, fulfillment turns out to be a complicated,
slow-cooked stew. Success simmered with ambition and one’s relationship to ambition
figures as well. Time passing and perspective are necessary ingredients, as is
a smidge of detachment. This recipe involves care and attention, Readers. It’s
not crockpot pulled pork, which just requires a little Coke, a lot of onions, a
hunk of meat and you’re done.
This reminds me that in all my discussions about success,
the people who have felt most successful are those who feel that their ambition
and their accomplishments are in balance with one another. Those who feel
unsuccessful may have unrealized ambitions gnawing at them; or they may not
even realize what their ambitions are. Sometimes it’s hard to untangle them
from all the knots of obligation and everyday goings-on.
Although, not to be a fly in the ointment, isn’t fulfillment
just another emotion and therefore as fleeting and intermittent as all
emotions? If all emotions are insubstantial, why is any one emotional state
better than another to aim for?
Hmmm. So maybe fulfillment isn’t something to aim for;
maybe, like happiness, it’s a byproduct of a well-lived life. Which brings me
back to the basic question of how to determine what a well-lived life is. Which
brings me back to accomplishments. Outcomes. Successes.
At least with accomplishments, you can remind yourself of
them by pulling out those report cards or awards or whatever. They are
tangible. I can see I’m getting into trouble here. My anxiety level is ramping
up. Must have accomplishments and successes to feel intermittent fulfillment
later on in life.
Accomplishments. Oy. What if you’re getting a bit long in the tooth
for racking up accomplishments of your own?
Oh, that’s what your children are for.
Right? So maybe that whole detachment-fulfillment-step back-and-review-life
thing is a total crock of baloney. Maybe after all the best approach to life, especially
if you have unrealized ambitions and dreams, is to foist them on those children
who have sucked up so much of your time and energy that you have failed to
achieve your own.
So get that kid into the most prestigious college possible.
Make sure she has high expectations and do what you can to help her claw her
way towards them. Lean in, lean over, lean on. Otherwise, what will you buoy
your faltering self-esteem with in your declining years?
Phew. I feel better now. I was lost in a wilderness of contentment for a few moments. Now I'm back. I’m hoping for a Nobel Prize or an
Oscar out of them. Or both. Yeah, both. Why not dream big for those kids?
They’re just starting out.
*
On a much lower note, I am overcome by a need for new
jeans. Now that higher rise jeans are back in favor, I cannot bear my jeans.
Things are welling over there. I need a higher rise to lock and load – a term I
learned from "What Not To Wear." Stacey and Clinton used it to refer to proper
fitting bras, but I’m talking about my hips. It’s my
prerogative. Just as it’s my prerogative to totally understand the whole free
range kid movement, and be unable to join it, fully.
Maybe if I rack up a few accomplishments of my own, I can
relax about where my kids go to college. So, I guess fulfillment will have to
wait, because I’m firing up my ambition. I will start with new jeans. Believe me, that's a challenge.
great post, Hope, on so many levels. thank you!
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